The Morning my Angels Gained Their Wings

8-4-21

I've attempted this post so many times now... I had a lot written out and then erased it all. This is such a hard thing for me to write about. 

It is something so personal and so raw still that I just can't seem to find the perfect words. So instead of talking about that morning, despite the title of this post, I'll instead talk about them and the things I've went through with losing them. 

 My Grandmother, my Nanny, was someone so so special in my life. I know like most granddaughter's, you think your grandmother is the best, but mine really was.  She was my best friend. Always there all throughout my life. Always being my personal cheerleader.  She was born in Georgia and a true Southern woman.  She married my Grandfather, my Poppa, when they were just kids. His mother had to sign for him to get married in fact.  She was the strongest woman and raised five children... four boys and her only daughter. her first-born. my Mother .  She lost my Poppa in 2000 unexpectedly and lived her life always loving and being loyal to him until her last breath. Their love was the kind that movies get made about.  She and I got even closer in the last ten years of her life. I mean I always adored her, but as an adult our bond became stronger, and she was my best friend. We did so much together... some of those things sting to do today now, without her. One being going thrifting (something she and I did a lot of) and  our  'Girl Trips', which just never feel complete now... we still had so many places to go on our list, and so whenever we do cross them off of our list-  it's going to be very bittersweet. Although some we just won't do, because it'll hurt too much. 

 So, when one of the most important people in your life is ripped from it... it's been a living nightmare to say the least. 

And if that wasn't bad enough, my Uncle... my Big D, which was his nickname. He was born in Texas and as the saying goes...

He was just a big ol' teddy bear. The kindest soul in this dark world. Always making friends wherever he went with his big personality. He was the kind of person who always left someone better than when he found them... always a seat at his table kind of guy. And he loved his Mother with his whole heart... the fact that they both gained their wings together isn't lost on me. 

It's been three years since that morning, but yet at times my emotions are exactly like they were when I got that phone call. Just yesterday I was reminded again how hard grief can hit. 

People told me "with time it'll get easier", and I know they meant it with sweet intentions, but it's a lie. I still have days that destroy me. The only thing I am finding is that with time it gets harder because life does somehow continue and there's the constant reminder that they should still be h ere and here you are living through moments that they should be a part of. That's the one thing I have felt is the hardest.

Then there's the way they were both ripped from my life that I'll just never get over. No amount of time will ever make that easier. My faith has never been shaken, and it's because of my strong faith that I can say I'm still standing, I know this in my heart to be true.

 There were so many days after that morning when I just could not see how I was going to make it through, but I did. I was a hot mess making it through them, but I did make it through.

 I remember thinking I was going to have to be sedated to make it through their viewing and then the funeral. I vividly remember absolutely despising having to pick out outfits to wear for the viewing and the funeral. To this day I still don't know how I made it walking into the front of the church and by their caskets to sit down without collapsing. 

If you are someone who has lost a loved one, I know you can relate and know exactly the things I'm writing about all too well. It's a club I hate being a member of.  Sometimes I have to catch myself when I see commercials about a grandmother and her granddaughter or when I'm out and see it in real life... it's excruciating the hurt that comes with it and can cause an overwhelming sense of bitterness too. Any time I see someone post about their grandparent: I make sure to write a comment to them to cherish every moment. 

We are living in a world that changes constantly and there's no warning of when we have said the last words or given the last hug to someone we love. 

It's also a world with wicked people who are careless and can take the people you love away from you.